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A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of Lifesavers.
The children began to say:

Red…………cherry,”

Yellow………lemon,”
Green……….lime,”
Orange ……..orange,”

Finally the teacher gave them all honey Lifesavers. After eating them none of the children could identify the taste.

“Well,”she said, “I’ll give you all a clue; It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.”

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her Lifesaver out and yelled:
Oh My God!!!! They’re @$$hole$!

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

“Take only ONE. God is watching.”

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note:

“Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”